Just for shits and giggles, let's talk about something I LOVE instead:
I love the deep-fried comfort food dishes from the Chinese, the elegant, seasonal beauty from the Japanese and the ballsy punch of borderline-crazy flavors from the Koreans. I could live on just about anything that incorporates umami, spice and savory in such big, inventive combinations.
So it's only logical that I'd eventually want to turn those flavors into a pizza.
I mean, why not? It's a great way to get the flavors you love without having to be delicate with chopsticks. With a slice in one hand and a remote in the other, you could binge on both the pizza and Netflix in one yoga pants-wearing, rosé-guzzling, couch-flattening swoop. And in the Slutty Kitchen, we are nothing if not ginormous fans of anything that involves bingeing in yoga pants.
The Asian pizza you see pictured above is the perfect melding of ease, portability and flavor. The dough is store-bought (because not only do flour and I not get along, but I get the Vaseline out and take off my earrings if a measuring cup has to get involved as well) and the toppings are stupid cinchy to pull together.
Blazin’ Asian Pizza with Hoisin Beef, Sesame Dough and Spicy Sauce
1 ball prepared pizza dough
8 cloves garlic, minced (don't wuss out on this, use all eight like I said!)
1 big can of diced tomatoes w/juice
4 ounces (half a brick) cream cheese, cubed
1/4 cup sriracha (more if you're awesome)
Salt to taste
2 cups thinly sliced beef, cut bite-sized
2/3 cups hoisin sauce
2 tablespoons sesame oil
1 tablespoon sesame seeds
2/3 cup purple cabbage, shredded
1/4 cup green onions, chopped
Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray and dump the ball of dough out onto it. Let it relax for about 30 minutes while you prep everything else. Heat your oven to 425 degrees.
Add the garlic to a medium saucepan and cook on medium-low heat for about 3 minutes, or just until it smells like garlic in your kitchen. Add the tomatoes, cream cheese, sriracha and salt to taste (I like about a half teaspoon). Cook for 15 minutes on medium high heat, stirring occasionally, or until the cheese has melted like that trippy-ass Dali painting. Simmer on low until ready to use.
Heat a large skillet to screaming-high heat. Toss the beef with the hoisin sauce, then toss it around in the skillet for just 1 minute. You're just trying to caramelize the sugars in the hoisin, not actually cooking it yet as it will do that in the oven. Overcooked meat is a crime, don't let it happen to you.
Assemble and bake:
Stretch that ball of dough out to a big circle. You know, like a pizza? Slather it with the sesame oil and sprinkle the outer edge with the sesame seeds. Par-bake it for 15 minutes so it doesn't get all soggy when you add the sauce/toppings.
Okay, NOW add the sauce, beef and cabbage. Bake for 10 minutes, then sprinkle with the green onions.
Do a sake bomb to help with your hangover, slice the pizza, attempt transferring it to plates, give up and bring the whole thing to the living room, then get back on the couch.